Paris - When It Sizzles

And all the trumpets of Paris
are sounding reveille.

Over a shot of the Arch of Triumph,
"An Alexander Meyerheim production".

Cut to the Eiffel Tower.
The main title.

The trumpets segue
into the inevitable title song.

Maybe we can get
Sinatra to sing it.

There follows an interminable list
of other credits

acknowledging the efforts of
all the quote little people unquote,

whom I shall graciously thank
in my acceptance speech

at the Academy Awards.
As the cymbals crash,
"Original Story and Screenplay
by Richard Benson".

Fade out.
And fade in.
A picturesque Parisian square,

where the holiday festivities
are in progress.

A simple Parisian working girl,
who looks remarkably like you,
Miss Simpson,

emerges from
her simple Parisian dwelling

and makes her way through the crowd
and across the square.

She seats herself at a table
at this little café she goes to.

With breathless anticipation,
she awaits the arrival of her date.

Some... actor.
Now I suppose
we'll have to describe him.

I see him
as curiously unattractive.

Not at all. Philippe happens to be
very handsome.

In fact, he looks rather like,
erm, Tony Curtis.

I see him as one of those
mumbling scratching actors

destined only for minor roles
and character parts.

And his name is not Philippe.
It's Maurice.