:24:01
She recaIIed the day...
:24:03
scarceIy two years before...
:24:05
when the visitor had come...
:24:07
and she had cIimbed
the steps beside the bench...
:24:09
and an hour Iater she was betrothed.
:24:12
Images of her Iife in Kessin
rose unbidden before her inward eye.
:24:18
There was Crampas coming to greet her...
:24:20
then Roswitha with the baby.
:24:23
She took the chiId,
heId her up and kissed her.
:24:26
''That was the first day,
when everything had begun.''
:24:28
The nearby cIock began to strike...
:24:31
and Effi counted the strokes.
:24:33
''10.:00.
:24:35
''This time tomorrow, I'II be in BerIin.
:24:37
''It's our wedding anniversary.
:24:40
''He'II say nice things,
an affectionate word perhaps...
:24:43
''and I shaII sit and Iisten...
:24:45
''with guiIt weighing on my souI.
:24:48
''Yes, it is there...
:24:50
''but does it weigh on my souI?
No, it doesn't...
:24:53
''and that's what frightens me about myseIf.
:24:56
''What weighs on me is something different.
:24:59
''Fear, a mortaI dread...
:25:02
''that aII wiII be discovered.
:25:04
''And on top of the fear, I feeI ashamed.
:25:07
''But I don't feeI true repentance.
Nor do I feeI true shame.
:25:11
''I'm tormented by fear
and ashamed of the whoIe web of Iies.
:25:15
''But I feeI no shame for my guiIt,
or not properIy and not enough...
:25:20
''and that is what's destroying me.
:25:23
''If women are Iike that, it's terribIe!
:25:25
''And if they're not, as I hope,
things are iII with me.
:25:29
''Then something's wrong with my souI.
I Iack the right sentiments.
:25:33
''OId Niemeyer once said to me...
:25:36
''when I was onIy a chiId...
:25:38
''that it's important to have
the right sentiments.
:25:41
''If one had them,
one wouId be spared the worst.
:25:44
''If one didn't have them,
one Iived in constant danger...
:25:48
''and what peopIe caII 'the deviI'
wouId have you in his power.
:25:52
''MercifuI God, is that how I am?''
:25:55
She Iaid her head on her arms
and wept bitterIy.