Bull Durham

l believe in
the Church of Baseball.

l've tried all the major religions
and most of the minor ones.

l've worshipped Buddha,
Allah, Brahma, Vishnu...

Siva, trees, mushrooms
and lsadora Duncan.

l know things.
For instance, there are 108 beads
in a Catholic rosary...

and there are 108 stitches
in a baseball.

When l learned that,
l gaveJesus a chance.

But it just didn't work out
between us.

The Lord laid
too much guilt on me.

l prefer metaphysics
to theology.

You see, there's no guilt
in baseball...

and it's never boring...
which makes it like sex.
There's never been a ballplayer
who slept with me...

who didn't have
the best year of his career.

Making love
is like hitting a baseball--

you just gotta relax
and concentrate.

Besides, l'd never sleep
with a player hitting under 250...

unless he had a lot of RBl's or was
a great glove man up the middle.

You see, there's a certain amount
of life wisdom l give these boys.

l can expand their minds.
Sometimes when l've got
a ballplayer alone...

l'll just read Emily Dickinson
or Walt Whitman to him.

And the guys are so sweet,
they always stay and listen.

Of course, a guy will listen
to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.

l make them feel confident,
and they make me feel safe...

and pretty.
Of course, what l give them
lasts a lifetime.

What they give me
lasts 142 games.

Sometimes it seems
like a bad trade...

but bad trades
is a part of baseball.

Who can forget Frank Robinson
for Milt Pappas, for God's sake?

lt's a long season,
and you gotta trust it.

l've tried 'em all,
l really have.

And the only church
that truly feeds the soul--