Daddy and Them

What war did you lose
your legs in?

I ain't old enough to be in no war,
except the Gulf.

Oh, that wasn't no war.
Just a bunch of missile shootin'.

My ex-wife
shot me in the back.

Didn't even shoot 'em by hand.
They used computers.

One of'em was broadcasted
on the news from up and under a bed.

They say a lot of'em over there
got poisoned with somethin'.

I guess nobody told 'em a bed
wouldn't stop a nuclear rocket.

- No.
- Yeah.

Shot you just like that?
Drunk a half a bottle of Uncle Somethin'
or another's bourbon, then shot me.

I ain't heard
from her since.

That middle boy of mine's
a crack shot with a rifle.

All right,
will the defendant please rise?

Mr. Montgomery,
do you understand...

the nature of the charges
against you, sir?

[Hazel] To tell you the truth, Judge,
I don't understand any of his mess.

- Say "Your Honor."
- Huh?

Not "Judge."
"Your Honor."

Well, Your Honor, I didn't do
anything to get myself here...

that you wouldn't have done
or anybody else...

who had to go through
what I went through with
that little shit right there.

Oh, my God!
You head-knockin'...

- redneck son of a bitch.!
- All-All... All right! [Pounding Gavel]

You are crazy as a loon!
And, Judge, let me tell you somethin'!

- You don't know the devil
that this man turns into!
- All right!

Your Honor!
That's what they told me to say.

All right, I have order, both of ya,
right now.! Do you understand?

- We understand the charges, Your Honor.
- No, we don't.

- Yes, we do.
- You're damn right you do!

- You hit me in the head with
a doorstop made of solid iron!
- Kiss my ass!

What you doin' here?
Oh, my baby brother is being arraigned
on some serious charges.

He didn't do it, though.
There's somethin' off somewhere.
He's a good boy.

Married an Englishwoman.
I didn't even know
she was mad at me.

She ain't spoke two words to me
since Teddy turned three...

six months ago
or somethin'.

Well, see there?
Children. That's somethin'.

J.C. Is screwin' everything
that ain't nailed down,
and ain't come up with no babies.

I think he uses
them darn "condrums."

And Alvin, he's got his nose
in a dag-burned book all the time.

And Claude, for all his car-hoodin'
and God knows what all
with that little girl...