1:05:01
- You know how that is. Anyhow...
- Mm-hmm.
1:05:04
Oh, I guess I was just
bein' terrible to him.
1:05:07
I mean, to the point where I was
just huntin' him down just
to tell him how much I hated him...
1:05:10
for not making my life right.
1:05:12
Anyhow... Well, I guess he became
some disgruntled office worker...
1:05:16
'cause he comes over to the house
and starts screamin' and yellin'...
1:05:19
and just spillin' his guts
about how much I'm ruinin' his life...
1:05:23
and how much I remind him
of his family.
1:05:26
And that's when I told him
to kiss my ass. Well, see,
I shouldn't have done that.
1:05:29
'Cause then he comes into the house.
And he's angry. And he starts screamin'...
1:05:32
and throwin' things around,
and I tried to stop him before
he got into my shoe closet.
1:05:36
You see, I'm a shoe nut.
And then he throws me off of him.
I go flyin' through the air...
1:05:41
and I hit my head
against that big old doorstop...
1:05:43
which they would've found out
ain't made out of iron anyhow
once we got into the courtroom.
1:05:47
Then my neighbor, the witness...
Well, he was high on pot and
all eat up with that glaucoma.
1:05:53
So I had him say
that he saw Hazel hit me.
1:05:58
Anyhow,
Hazel can't stand y'all.
1:06:01
Not near one of ya.
He hates every single one of ya,
but he's too afraid to tell ya.
1:06:05
Now, I'm gonna go down,
and I'm gonna drop the charges
and tell the law I lied.
1:06:10
And all the good eatin' in the world
or therapy or nothin' did one thing.
1:06:14
And my therapist told me to go to a spa
and get some rest, and I did. I went...
1:06:17
and I got massaged
and I meditated.
1:06:19
I ate oat bran, and nothin'...
not one thing... did one thing.
1:06:23
But then I got a facial.
And I don't mean a deep-cleansing,
but a relaxing facial.
1:06:28
And I fell asleep. And I started
to dream, and I dreamed these boys...
1:06:33
they come along,
and they threatened to cut me open...
1:06:35
fill my belly full of saltwater
and then sew me back up...
1:06:38
if I didn't start tellin' the truth
and acting grown-up.
1:06:44
So your uncle's
gonna be a free man...
1:06:47
even if I go to jail
for "abstraction" of justice.
1:06:51
[Sighing] And, oh, God,
I just thought you might wanna know.