A Guide for the Married Man

- Not me.
- You wouldn't?

No. As long as I didn't know,
I wouldn't care.

- What would you do if you did know?
- Pretend I didn't.

No. You're wrong, Ed. You take 'em
to the most popular place in town.

Where you're pretty sure to get seen
by some bigmouth...

who knows you and your wife.
Maybe, but even if it does get back to your wife,
you can always counter with...

"Would you have taken her to a place
where you were sure to be seen...

- if it weren't absolutely innocent?"
- Yes, but-

Yes, and your way-with the hideaway-
you get seen...

and it's prima facie evidence against you.
Granted, but my way fixes it...
so that it can't possibly get back
to your wife.

Why? What guarantee have you got...
that you won't get seen
in your crummy little hideaway?

None. Except that, if you are seen
by someone in the hideaway...

it's obviously someone else who's hiding away,
and who's he to talk?

Because then he's got to explain
what he was doing there himself.

And at 78, you'd think
they'd be finished with that sort of thing.

As long as there's breath in their bodies...
they're never finished
with that sort of thing.

...basically not monogamous.
Yeah. I suppose that's
as good a reason as any.

...but when a man is 40,
he can still get a 20-year-old tootsie.

...this 20-year-old chick- - A woman
would have to be in love first, but men-

Yeah, but, fellas,
is the whole thing worth it-

risking your marriage,
your home, your family?

That's exactly what I say.
It's not worth it.

Sometimes I wish I felt that way...
and then I see a perky little thing,
and I get- Ooh.

- But why? Why do they do it?
- Oh, lots of reasons.

Because he thinks
he's God's gift to women.

Because his wife didn't understand him.
The lucky girl.
Because he was a louse.
Isn't it funny how we happen
to leave the house...

at the same time every morning?
Maybe it's fate, doll.