House Calls

That’s very, very provoking.
Thank you, Mrs. Atkinson,
Dr. Nichols, Mr. Quinn.

Next week,
our program will be

Transvestism: Aberration
or Alternate Lifestyle?

I didn’t ask
to be born in England.

Just as you didn’t ask
to be born in America.

What’s left is spiritualism,
or reincarnation, or suttee.

What about Indian suttee,
perhaps we could go to India?

Your producer friend
was right.

You do have a big mouth.
Oh, we were just saying
you defended
yourself brilliantly.

I couldn’t get
a word in edgewise.

But when you did,
they were masterful.

I wouldn’t go
to masterful.

We would, right?
Yes, we’ll get
an enormous response.

I need more
practice at this.

What I need is
a cup of coffee.

I’ll buy.
Thank you.
I’m sorry. I can’t
remember your first name.

I’ve always
liked that name.

Thank you, Doctor.
Mine’s Charley. Really?
I’ve always liked that name.

You’re kidding.
No, it was my mother’s.

It’s my own fault.
If I hadn’t been
so conscientious,

you wouldn’t be
talking now.

What do you do when you’re not
humiliating people on TV?

You pose in the nude?
That’s not a bad idea.
It would certainly
pay better.

No, I bake the best cheesecake
in Greater Los Angeles.

You’re kidding.
I am not. I not only
bake it, I sell it.

To whom?
Oh, parties, restaurants,
strangers in the street.

That’s how I got
my jaw fractured.

By strangers?
By cheesecake. I was cooking
and the oven door burst open.

You’re kidding.
That’s the fourth time
you’ve said that.

Said what?
“You’re kidding.”

“You’re kidding.”
Do I say that a lot?
I guess, I prefer it
to the phrase,

what do they use today, uh,
“You’re putting me on.”

How long have you
been divorced?

Oh, about a year. You?
My wife died
a few months ago.

Oh, I’m sorry.
Why’d your marriage
break up?

Why do you
want to know?

Prurient curiosity.
Real curiosity.
He found a younger woman,
didn’t he?

Two coffees, please.