:55:02
Bontinentals with their international
luxury modern roomettes...
:55:05
...and swimming pools full of draught
Red Barrel and fat German businessmen
:55:08
pretending to be acrobats and forming
pyramids and frightening the children and...
:55:12
...barging into the queues.
And if you're not at your table...
:55:14
...spot on seven you miss your bowl
of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup,
:55:17
the first item in the menu of
International Cuisine.
:55:20
Absolutely. Now what we have here is...
:55:21
Every Thursday night there's bloody
cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny,
:55:24
emaciated dago with nine-inch hips
and some fat bloated tart with her hair
:55:28
Brylcremed down and big arse
presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
:55:32
Will you be quiet, please?
:55:33
And adenoidal typists from Birmingham
with flabby white legs...
:55:36
Will you be quiet?
:55:37
...and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy,
bandy-legged, wop waiters called Manuel.
:55:39
Be-be quiet!
:55:40
And once a week there's an excursion
to local Roman remains,
:55:44
where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream...
:55:45
Will you be quiet?
:55:45
...and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel.
:55:47
Shut up!
:55:48
And one night they take you to a typical
restaurant with local...
:55:49
Shut up!
:55:50
...atmosphere and color and you sit next to a...
:55:52
Shut up!
:55:52
...party of people from Rhyl who keep singing
"I love the Costa Brava!"
:55:55
Shut up!
:55:56
"I love the Costa Brava!" And you get
cornered by some drunken greengrocer
:56:01
from Luton with an Instamatic camera and
last Tuesday's Daily Express...
:56:05
Please be quiet! This is the last time...
:56:06
...and he drones on and on and on about how
Ian Smith should be running the country
:56:09
and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak
and then she throws up all over the cuba libres.
:56:14
And spending four days on the
tarmac at Luton Airport
:56:16
on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat
but dry British Airways-type sandwiches.
:56:19
Shut up! Please shut up!
:56:21
And you can't even get a glass of Watney's
Red Barrel because you're still in England
:56:25
and the bloody bar closes every
time you're thirsty.
:56:26
And the kids are crying and vomiting
and breaking the plastic ashtrays.
:56:29
They keep telling you it'll only be another hour,
but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland,
:56:34
and has to come back and take a party of...
Shut up!...take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia,
:56:38
before it can load you up at 3 a.m.
in the morning. And then you
:56:41
sit on the tarmac for four hours
because of unforeseen difficulties,
:56:45
i.e. the permanent strike of air
traffic control over Paris.
:56:48
When you finally get to Malaga airport,
everybody's queueing for the bloody toilet,
:56:51
and queueing for the bloody armed customs
officers, and queueing for
:56:54
the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to take
you to the hotel that hasn't yet been built.
:56:58
When you finally get to the half-built
Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol,