:43:01
Then l thought.; what ifl'm wrong?
:43:04
What ifthere is a God?
After all, nobody really knows that.
:43:07
But then l thought.;
no, maybe is not good enough.
:43:11
l want certainty or nothing.
:43:14
And l remember very clearly
the clock was ticking
:43:17
and l was sitting there, frozen,
with the gun to my head,
:43:20
debating whether to shoot.
:43:22
(gunshot)
:43:25
All ofa sudden, the gun went off. l had
been so tense, l'd squeezed the trigger.
:43:30
But l was perspiring so much, the gun
had slid off my forehead and missed me.
:43:35
- (gunshot)
- Neighbours were pounding on the door
:43:39
and, l don't know, the whole scene
wasjust pandemonium.
:43:42
And l ran to the door, l didn't know what
to say. l was embarrassed and confused.
:43:48
My mind was racing a mile a minute,
and ljust knew one thing.
:43:53
l had to get out of that house, just
get out in the fresh air and clear my head.
:43:59
And l remember very clearly
l walked the streets.
:44:03
l didn't know what was going through my
mind. lt all seemed so violent and unreal.
:44:09
And l wandered for a long time
on the Upper West Side.
:44:13
lt must have been hours. My feet hurt and
my head was pounding. l had to sit down.
:44:19
l went into a movie house. l didn't know
what was playing. ljust needed a moment
:44:23
to gather my thoughts and be logical
:44:26
and put the world
back into rational perspective.
:44:29
( playing a tune)
:44:38
And l went upstairs
to the balcony and l sat down.
:44:42
The movie was a film that l'd seen
many times in my life since l was a kid,
:44:47
and l always loved it.
:44:49
And l'm watching these people
up on the screen
:44:52
and l started getting hooked on the film.
:44:55
And l started to feel.; how can you even
think of killing yourself?. lsn't that stupid?