Eddie Murphy Raw

"Suck it, you black motherfucker.
"I love it. The best motherfucker.
The 'fuck you' man."

Made me stay in the house, man.
Almost got married last year.

Don't you "ooh" and "aah".
Got to get married in the '80s.
I read the papers.

I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out."
Hey, you know, read.
You can catch some shit.

You can't just keep messing around
like you used to.

Eventually, your dick will fall off.
Remember...? Remember, like,
VD in the '60s?

That shit don't just sting no more.
Every time they cure something,

it come back stronger.
VD is new and improved now.

They got dudes in the doctor's office
with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc,

"what does it mean when you
go to the bathroom

"and fire shoot out your dick?"
"Let me get this right.
So you're getting a burning sensation

"when you urinate?"
"No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.
"A burst of flame fly out my dick
when I pee.

"I can't even pee in the house, I burn
my house down. I gotta go outside.

"I was outside peeing,
dude tried to mug me,

"I turned around and burned him up
on the street.

"Because my dick is a blowtorch,
is what I'm trying to say."

Got to be careful.
They say having casual sex nowadays

is like playing Russian roulette.
And I know I've thrown my dick
on the crap table many a night.

Looking for Miss Right,
you be gambling every time.

You gambling with your dick, saying,
"Come on, need a woman with a mind.

"Come on, now. I need somebody
perfect for me. Give it to me, now!

"Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch.
No, give me my dick back. No.

"I'm gonna keep rolling.
I got one more roll in me.

"I want the perfect woman, now.
I want somebody with a mind,

"intelligence, a nice ass and a body.
Give it to me, now!

"Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.
No, give my dick back.

"Give my dick back.
Now, listen, be quiet.

"I'm gonna keep rolling.
This is my last roll.

"This is the last one.
This is the one for me.

"Miss Right. Blow on this for luck.
"This is my last roll.
Come on. Here we go.