Quiz Show

How much do they pay instructors
up at Columbia ?

- Eighty-six dollars a week.
- You have any idea how much
Bozo the Clown makes ?

Well, we-- we can't all
be Bozo the Clown.

No, no, not to question your
choice of profession. Not at all.

l'm questioning the values of a society
that pays somebody like you--

- What was it ?
- Eighty-six dollars a week.

Eighty-six dollars a week. You plan on
raising a family, right, Professor ?

- Yes, l hope to, very much.
- Can you imagine raising a family
on 86 dollars a week ?

Eighty-six dollars a week. And
meanwhile, look at the crisis
of education in this country.

W-Well, yes, l-l agree.
lt's a national problem.

So l understand you came down
to try out for Tic-Tac-Dough.

Well, my friends tell me
l have a good mind for this
sort of thing. They coaxed me--

How'd you like
to be on Twenty-One ?

- Twenty-One ?
- Dan produces both shows.

You're young; you're clean-cut;
you're from a prominent family.

Kids would run to do their homework
to be like Charles Van Doren.

- What about, uh, Herbert Stempel ?
- What about him ?

- Herb ? Oh, l love him.
People don't like him.
- Well, we love Herb.

- Kids don't look up to him.
- lf you were a kid,
would you want to be...

an annoying Jewish guy
with a sidewall haircut ?

- Well, l wanted to be Joe DiMaggio.
- Oh, yeah ? Me too.

- Especially after
he signed for the hundred grand.
- Yeah, Al--

But you see, that's what this country
needs, is an intellectual Joe DiMaggio,

with the women and the money
and all of it, but from his
brain instead of a bat and ball.

- Dan.
- l know. You're probably right.

Yeah, boy.
What are we gonna do here ?

Well, l could take
a whack at it.

Yeah, see, the problem, Professor, is
the old college try ain't gonna do it.

And you've seen Stempel.
[ Chuckling ] The guy's unbeatable.

l have to admit Tic-Tac-Dough
seemed more feasible.

What if we were to put you
on the show--

Put you on Twenty-One
and ask you questions that you know.

Say, the questions that he answered
correctly on the test this morning.

- l-l don't follow you.
- Just thinkin' out loud.

l thought the questions
were in a bank vault.

- ln a way, they are.
- You wanna win, don't you ?

- Well, l think l'd really rather
try to beat him honestly.
- What's dishonest ?

When Gregory Peck parachutes
behind enemy lines, do you think
that's really Gregory Peck ?

That book that Eisenhower wrote ?
A ghostwriter wrote it. Nobody cares.

lt's not like we'd be giving you
the answers. Just 'cause we
know you know, you still know.