1:33:00
But you got to be careful,
because when you're doing it...
1:33:03
...you can't wear the goggles,
you got to watch the door.
1:33:07
So you can go blind masturbating actually,
like the old saying.
1:33:13
Every night, same routine. l get a towel...
1:33:16
...half damp. On one side, warm water.
Half dry on the other.
1:33:20
Astroglide. Lesbian porn.
1:33:22
Second only to nature.
1:33:23
No dicks allowed, number 67 or 69.
1:33:26
l don't get in trouble.
Clean up, everything's nice.
1:33:29
Although you can get that
on the remote control.
1:33:32
When you do a number two,
do you use a handy wipe?
1:33:35
l wipe, then l take a lot of toilet paper
and dip it in water....
1:33:39
-ln the bowl?
-ln a clean bowl.
1:33:41
-That's what l do.
-And then l wipe my ass.
1:33:44
We're too old to have shit stains
in our drawers.
1:33:46
Can't be cool
when you got a big-ass shit stain.
1:33:49
l've not peed the bed since l quit drinking.
1:33:51
l won a chugging contest before l quit.
1:33:54
And l not only peed the bed, l shit the bed.
1:33:56
l was in college. l woke and thought:
''What did my roommate do?''
1:34:01
And then l went:
''Wait a minute. What did l do?''
1:34:04
lf you have a real problem, get Viagra.
1:34:06
You don't need a problem for that.
You just go and get it.
1:34:09
They need to get that for women.
1:34:11
Well, they would call it Niagara then.
1:34:13
-You watch Oprah?
-Big or small Oprah?
1:34:15
l never liked small Oprah
because her head is too big.
1:34:18
Her head too big for that little body.
Then the eye started to droop.
1:34:22
Looked like E. T.
1:34:24
-Oprah, stay big.
-Oprah's great.