:00:02
...things are going really well now,
and I wanted you to know.
:00:04
Well, that's great.
I'm anxious to see something.
:00:06
You should sit down because
I'm here with Susan right now.
:00:09
And she's dying to meet you,
so it's funny bumping into you.
:00:12
- Have a seat.
- Susan Orlean is here?
:00:13
Yeah, she's here in town for a reading
or something. She's just on the phone.
:00:19
Sit down. Have a seat.
She's dying to meet you.
:00:23
Well, I should probably go, because...
:00:27
Well, I'd love to meet her too...
:00:29
...but I don't want to be beholden.
And, well...
:00:32
Because once you meet somebody
that you've been writing about...
:00:35
...it becomes very hard to separate.
So...
:00:37
Well, okay, I'll speak to you soon.
And I'm almost done.
:00:40
I'm almost done.
:00:41
And tell Susan that I would
love to meet with her at a future date.
:00:44
- As she sees fit.
- Okay.
:00:49
Who am I kidding?
This is not Susan Orlean's story.
:00:51
I have no connection with her.
I can't even meet her.
:00:54
I have no understanding of anything
but my own panic and self-loathing...
:00:57
...and pathetic, little existence.
:00:58
The only thing I'm actually qualified to
write about is myself and my own self...
:01:02
We open on Charlie Kaufman.
:01:04
Fat, old, bald, repulsive, sitting in
a Hollywood restaurant...
:01:08
...across from Valerie Thomas,
a lovely, statuesque film executive.
:01:13
Kaufman, trying to get
a writing assignment...
:01:16
...wanting to impress her,
sweats profusely.
:01:22
Fat, bald Kaufman paces furiously
in his bedroom.
:01:27
He speaks into his hand-held
tape recorder, and he says:
:01:33
"Charlie Kaufman, fat, bald,
repulsive, old...
:01:35
...sits at a Hollywood restaurant
with Valerie Thomas."
:01:38
Kaufman, repugnant, ridiculous...
:01:40
...jerks off to the book jacket photo
of Susan Or...
:01:42
What do you want?
:01:44
I've finished my script.
:01:46
I'm done.
:01:50
So would you show it to your agent?
:01:53
It's called The Three.