:43:01
" I've had a bad day."
Your new bride would go:
:43:04
"Let me get you a beer
and you tell me all about it."
:43:07
Twenty years later, you walk in the door,
"What a day at work!"
:43:10
They go, "You want to hear
what went on at this house today?!
:43:13
While you were at your job? "
:43:20
That first year of marriage,
if you had to go to the bathroom...
:43:23
...you shut the door, lock it,
turn the faucets on, turn the shower on.
:43:27
God forbid they knew you
were going poop.
:43:30
Twenty years later,
bathroom door is wide open...
:43:33
...and you're screaming,
"Bring the camera!"
:43:39
That first year, your new bride was gonna
do laundry and you freaked out...
:43:43
...because you might have had
dirty underwear. So you threw them away.
:43:46
Twenty years later,
you're just hoping to gross them out.
:43:50
If you can get your wife to scream,
"Oh, my God!
:43:54
Did you hit a deer? "
:44:04
Sex changes when you stay married
for a long time.
:44:06
I think it has to because
things advance, you know?
:44:10
One night, my wife and I had
a little interlude, and it was hot.
:44:13
I mean hot, hot, hot!
:44:15
She's arching her back and moaning,
and I said, "Yes, ma'am.
:44:20
You are welcome."
:44:23
I said, "I'm really turning you on, huh? "
She goes, "No, you're on my hair! Get off!"
:44:31
You never see that in the movies.
Do you, ladies?
:44:35
I hate love scenes in movies. They're
not real. Show me a real love scene.
:44:39
Show me a couple in bed, and their dogs
are watching them at the edge of the bed.
:44:45
That's real, my friends.
:44:48
You're trying to throw down
your best moves...
:44:51
...and there's these eyes
at the edge of the bed, just like:
:44:56
"Nice move there, Bill.
:44:59
Jeez, don't that hurt your back? "