:59:01
And your mom screamed
and screamed in pain.
:59:04
She yelled, "Just kill me.
:59:05
Bludgeon me with a bedpan.
:59:07
Whatever you do,
put me out of this pain."
:59:10
She was gushing
torrents of blood.
:59:12
I have this all on tape
if you want to see it someday.
:59:14
Well, finally you came out.
:59:16
Your mom cut
your umbilical cord herself.
:59:19
Well, on the second try.
:59:22
The first time she snipped
your penis in half.
:59:25
After all, she was drunk.
:59:26
Actually, drugged.
:59:28
We'd been out the night before
celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
:59:31
She thought, "Hey,
I never tasted crystal meth."
:59:33
So she did just a little.
:59:35
My penis?
:59:36
Yes.
:59:37
They sewed it on upside down.
:59:39
So that's why I pee up?
:59:41
Yes.
We'll get it fixed, honey.
:59:43
It's on my list of things.
Right after we get TiVo.
:59:45
Anyway, there you were.
:59:47
Your mom turned to me and said,
:59:49
"Hey, you want him?
Take him."
:59:52
Then she died.
:59:53
And I took you.
:59:55
Do you know why?
:59:57
I had just lost my cat
in a fire,
:59:59
and I needed something
to pet and feed.
1:00:01
And I miss that cat, Cody.
1:00:03
But I love you.
1:00:05
And nothing's
ever gonna change that,
1:00:07
not even the very painful death
we're about to experience.
1:00:10
George!
1:00:19
Are they gone?
1:00:20
I don't hear anything.
1:00:29
Don't worry, Sue.
1:00:30
It was Uncle George.
1:00:31
Well, it's scary.
1:00:35
Good work, Sue.
1:00:38
I don't know what stupid,
idiotic thing
1:00:40
made these lights go off.
1:00:42
All right, there's spare fuses
in the crawl space.
1:00:44
I can get these lights back on.
1:00:47
Quick, George,
grab that railroad tie.
1:00:50
Jam it against the door.
1:00:52
Oh!
1:00:53
My balls!
1:00:55
Oh!
Not those!
1:00:57
Jesus!
1:00:59
No!