Two for the Money

So before I die...
Did you do anything
other than sports phone in Vegas?

Just the 900 recordings,
you know, 10 bucks a call.

That's chump change.
I mean, we're going after
much bigger fish here.

You know, networks don't talk about it,
government can't tax it,

but sports betting
is a 200-billion-dollar-a-year business.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

A lot of gamblers out there, man,
and they have needs.

And come Monday morning after a losing
weekend, they got big needs. Gargantuan.

See that? That's every
football game played last Sunday.

You know why Monday-night football's
the most watched game of the week?

Monday's the last chance bettors have
to climb out of the hole they got in

to pay their bookies on Tuesday.
Sports betting's illegal in 49 states,
including this one.

But what we do is not.
We are 100% legal, like stockbrokers,
only instead of counting stocks,
we advise people on how to bet.

Now, if a client wins by taking our advice,
we get a percentage, or we ask for one,

which they will gladly give us because
they want to keep getting the advice.

But if they lose, we get zip.
So the object here, my dear,
tall, athletic, religious friend, is to win.

I can do that.
- (TV) Hello. This is Walter...
- Hello, Walter.

That's my cable show.
Now, after a nice
five-day vacation on my yacht...

Airs Saturday and Sunday morning
nationwide. We tape Thursday and Fri...

What's going on with my hair?
He did it again, Liz.
I got one part of my head in Cleveland,
the other's in Chicago.

What are we gonna do with this guy?
My barber. Should be shot. I want him dead.

(TV) For the first time,
I'm gonna release our three-team
college and pro parlays absolutely free.