Quiz Show

That big uncircumcised putz is
on the cover of Time magazine,

and l can't even make
the top 42 for a panel show.

Look, maybe you could warm up
the audience before the show.

- l could throw you 50 bucks a week.
- Fifty bucks a week ?

That should be me
on the cover of Time.

- Shit, Herb, just sign the statement.
- Charles Van Doren.

He wouldn't know the answer to
a doorbell if you didn't give it to him.

Sign the statement,
and get on with your life !

Sign the statement, Herb. Sign
the statement. Who cares if it's true ?

- l'm giving you a chance.
- You promised me !

You get me that panel show,
or l'm gonna bring you down
with me, ya lousy, lyin' prick !

- You and Charles Van fuckin' Doren !
- No, you're not.

l'll just tell everyone that it's
a fraud. That'll warm 'em up.

- ''The fix is in,
this week on Twenty-One.''
- When's my next appointment ?

The cover of Time ? His mug shot
will be on the cover of Time !

What the hell
happened ?

[ Sighs ]

Why am l the only one
workin' this mornin' ?

- You got here earlier, Mooie.
- ''Demonstrators stoned Vice
President Nixon's motorcade...

as it proceeded
through Caracas.''

- Gee, Dick, what's the New York
Times say ? Same thing ?
- Generally.

Most people who live in Washington
settle for the Washington papers.

[ Goodwin ] Well, the Times
is the paper of record.

- Ahh.
- Ooh.

Dick hopes someday to be confused
with an important person.

''Although the crowd was cordoned off
at a distance of a hundred yards,

an unidentified Venezuelan struck Nixon
in the head with a thrown onion.''

- Ow !
- The Senators should sign this guy.

Did you guys know there was a grand jury
in New York on the quiz shows ?

Jim Lemon can't even hit
the cutoff man. This guy throws
a 300-foot strike with an onion.

- Have they come up with anything ?
- They sealed the presentment.

- That's a no.
- Why do you say that ?

A presentment's
a statement of findings.

lf there were anything in it,
they'd want to release it
to the public, right ?

lf the purpose is to make findings
public, then why keep it a secret ?

[ Goodwin ] Why seal the presentment ?
lt's illogical.

- lt's a local matter.
- lt's television.

Whoa. TV.
lt's under our jurisdiction,
right ? l mean, we have
oversight over all the agencies.

- lt includes the F.C.C.
- You're gonna investigate
a dead investigation ?