:54:01
We know how pretty they look
on a Thanksgiving dining room table...
:54:04
...just holding that turkey up.
:54:09
So he said he went down in the ditch.
He found the beaver.
:54:13
He picked it up by the tail.
:54:16
And he said, "Look at it.
It ain't cut up or bloody or nothing."
:54:22
Apparently, "nothing" is the word that
brings a beaver back to consciousness.
:54:28
At that point, the animal lurched out
and bit his nipple off.
:54:33
Did not bite it, bit it off.
:54:35
O-F-F, off. Bit it off.
:54:39
That is a new kind of hurt right there.
:54:42
And it is so rare,
I am at a loss for words.
:54:45
The only reply I could come up with, I said,
"l bet that is the only time in history...
:54:50
...the headline of the paper could include
the words "beaver" and "nipple"...
:54:54
...and nobody'd be offended by it.
:55:01
The other question I get asked:
:55:03
"When you say somebody might be
a redneck, what do you mean? "
:55:06
For the record, my definition of "redneck" :
a glorious absence of sophistication.
:55:12
That's all it is.
It can be full-time or part-time.
:55:15
Most of us are guilty of it.
:55:18
And if you're not guilty of it,
you do have relatives that are.
:55:22
Think back to the last family reunion,
when at the end of it...
:55:25
...you got in the car and looked
at your spouse and said, "Oh, my God.
:55:30
What is wrong with them?
:55:33
The little one is not right.
I guarantee you, the little one is not right."
:55:41
I got rednecks in my family.
:55:42
I got an uncle who climbs in and out
of the car through the driver's side window.
:55:48
The door's not broke or anything. He just
likes to pretend he's a NASCAR driver.
:55:55
Got a few NASCAR fans
in Phoenix, huh?