:37:00
Because you can't."
:37:03
And I've tried everything.
I've tried the gum. I couldn't keep it lit.
:37:09
I tried the patches.
They pulled the skin off my lips.
:37:15
Finally, my wife goes,
"Why don't you try acupuncture? " And I go:
:37:19
"lsn't that where they screw needles
into you? " She goes, "Yeah."
:37:22
And I go, "Why don't you try waking up?
:37:24
I won't let somebody screw needles
into me." She goes, "It's your last option."
:37:29
So we found this lady named Dr. Chang.
I had one question for Dr. Chang.
:37:33
Anybody know what that question
might have been? "Does it hurt? "
:37:36
She goes, "Oh, no. It no hurt."
:37:38
From a door three feet away from me,
I hear a grown man go:
:37:42
I go, "What was that? "
And she goes, "He big baby."
:37:47
I said, "I'm a big baby."
:37:49
Next thing I know,
I'm lying on this bed in my underwear.
:37:52
She has screwed a needle into the top
of my head, three in each earlobe...
:37:55
...one in each pec, one in each shin
and three between each of my toes.
:37:59
I'm lying on that bed thinking, "Dear God,
I could use a cigarette right now."
:38:06
I can hear her and her partner talking
in Chinese. I don't speak Chinese.
:38:09
And then they start laughing.
I'm like, "Oh, my God!
:38:13
They're filming this."
:38:17
She comes in at the half-hour mark.
I think she'll take the needles out.
:38:20
No. She puts a cotton ball
on each of the ones in my legs...
:38:23
...Iights it on fire and leaves the room!
:38:26
Now I'm freaking out
because all I can see...
:38:29
...is smoke drifting up from between
my legs, and I cannot inhale it. Okey-dokey?
:38:38
Finally, at the hour mark, she comes in,
she takes the needles out and she goes:
:38:43
"You come back for another treatment."
I said, "Well, let's just book that right now.
:38:48
After that, I'll schedule a prostate exam.
Just be a big day for me."
:38:54
I put my ball cap on.
I'm gonna go home and take a shower.
:38:56
I've sweated through this whole ordeal.
:38:58
I'm standing in the bathroom in front
of the mirror. I took my cap off and I went: