1:11:01
A lot of times, men and women can say
the exact same thing to each other...
1:11:06
...and get totally opposite responses.
1:11:08
A woman can say to a man:
1:11:11
" I'm not wearing any underwear."
1:11:13
The man's first thought is,
"All right!
1:11:16
Might get lucky."
1:11:18
But if a man says, "I'm not wearing
any underwear," her first thought is:
1:11:22
"Oh, no! I'm gonna have
to wash those pants twice."
1:11:34
And I've found from living
with all these women...
1:11:37
...men and women worry
about totally different stuff.
1:11:40
I wish I had a dime for every time
in 1 8 years of marriage...
1:11:43
...my wife has said, usually when
we're walking out of the house:
1:11:46
"How's my butt look? "
1:11:49
If you've been married longer than
1 0 seconds, you know the answer.
1:11:52
"Great!
1:11:54
It's so small I could barely see it
in this light."
1:11:59
Apparently, women put a lot of thought
into what their butts look like.
1:12:03
Ladies, do you know men are not
even aware of the fact...
1:12:06
...we have a butt till it starts itching?
1:12:10
A lot of guys aren't aware that
scratching it in public might be offensive.
1:12:17
Mr. President, how you doing?
Good to see you.
1:12:23
And men ought to keep our hands
off our rear ends. We should.
1:12:26
For a lot of reasons.
The biggest...
1:12:28
...is because we are causing
our own butt-erosion.
1:12:32
We are. Have you ever seen
an old man's butt?
1:12:34
No, because they don't have one anymore.
They've scratched it all off.
1:12:40
An old man's butt looks like
you made a frog stand up...
1:12:43
...and put on a pair
of double-knit pants.
1:12:49
When you go to sleep tonight,
I want that to be the last visual image.
1:12:54
That frog pulling them britches up.